


Not a Plane, Not a Train, But a ... Crane? A Deus Ex Machina Play

by demarafis



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Fourth Wall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-10
Updated: 2012-01-10
Packaged: 2017-10-30 07:00:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/329038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demarafis/pseuds/demarafis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry Potter really really really really (really!!!) wanted to make sure that Severus Snape wasn't dead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not a Plane, Not a Train, But a ... Crane? A Deus Ex Machina Play

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Reviving Severus *sighs* 2012 ([see prompts here](http://asylums.insanejournal.com/severus_sighs/185907.html)). Beta'd by the lovely [Sighing_Selkie](archiveofourown.org/users/sighing_selkie). Thanks for the challenge, mods <3  
> Once again, I don't own the characters, nor is any profit being made from this story. I just play in Rowling's sandbox =)

  
**Not a Plane, Not a Train, But a... Crane???  
A Deus Ex Machina Play**  
  
by demarafis  
  
  
[ _Dramatis Personae_  
  
Harry POTTER, hero of the Wizarding World, defeater of Voldemort the Dark Lord  
Hermione GRANGER, POTTER's friend and confidant (and voice of reason)  
Severus SNAPE, POTTER and GRANGER's Potions Professor from school, currently deceased  
DEM, author of this play  
GOD, God  
  
 _Stage crew_  
  
SCENE: _Inside the Shrieking Shack, where SNAPE is lying in a pool of blood_ ]  
  


* * *

  
  
1.1 (In Which It Is Established That Harry Is Still Not Over Him)  
  
 _Enter POTTER and GRANGER_.  
  
POTTER: Are you sure the Professor is dead, Hermione?  
  
[ _GRANGER sighs and waves her wand over SNAPE_.]  
  
GRANGER: Yes Harry. There is no active magic signature, no heartbeat, no brain activity. Nothing has changed since yesterday.  
  
POTTER: He sacrificed so much for us, you know? It's not fair that he died. He should be alive and free to enjoy a life without Voldemort...  
  
GRANGER: But he's dead. Gone. We can't do anything now to save his life.  
  
POTTER: I still think we should have done _something_. This isn't fair!  
  
GRANGER: War isn't fair. Why did Colin die? Why is Teddy an orphan? Why are the Lestrange brothers alive but Fred not? Life, Harry, _life_ isn't fair.  
  
POTTER: I _know_ life isn't fair. I _did_ grow up with the Dursleys, remember? Still... Couldn't we have poured Dittany over him or something?  
  
GRANGER: We are not professional mediwizards. Even if we had healed his neck wound, we wouldn't have been able to neutralise Nagini's poison.  
  
POTTER: But... I still feel as though there is something we _can_ do to bring the Professor back, or make it so that fewer people died.  
  
GRANGER: We did our best. We won the war, but we couldn't save everyone. There wasn't anything else we could have done.  
  
POTTER: Wait. Hermione, do you still have your time-turner?  
  
GRANGER: No. I returned it, and it was destroyed during the Battle of the Department of Mysteries.  
  
POTTER: Merlin's _balls_...  
  
GRANGER: Even if I _had_ a time-turner, we wouldn't have been able to save Professor Snape.  
  
POTTER: Why not? I mean, it doesn't need to be us, right? Anyone could have used my Invisibility Cloak and a time-turner to save him from Nagini.  
  
GRANGER: It wouldn't have worked. Remember how you rescued Sirius and Buckbeak in third year?  
  
POTTER: Yes?  
  
GRANGER: Your future self left clues, discrepancies in our timeline, so you were able to figure out what you needed to do. We saw no clues, no hints of anything extraordinary.  
  
POTTER: Right.  
  
GRANGER: Which meant nothing unexpected happened.  
  
POTTER: But our future selves could have been very, very careful. Careful enough to not let themselves be seen.  
  
GRANGER: Except the Novikov self-consistency principle* negates any possibility of that happening. The principle states that it is impossible to create time paradoxes. If we _were_ able to do something, then it would have happened _already_. If we _saved_ Professor Snape, we wouldn't be finding him dead _right now_.  
  
[*: <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Novikov_self-consistency_principle>]  
  
POTTER: Our future selves could have switched the real Snape with a prop...  
  
GRANGER: Which still does not change the fact that we have a body to retrieve. Which means we are meant to find Professor Snape _dead_.  
  
POTTER: What about the Professor himself, then? Why didn't he take precautions? Why didn't McGonagall—  
  
GRANGER: _Professor_ McGonagall.  
  
POTTER: —tell him to be careful?  
  
GRANGER: If she did, then that would have meant his cover as a 'devoted Death Eater' would have been blown. He _couldn't_ have let the Order know that he was anything less than faithful to Voldemort, which meant nobody in the Order would have been looking out for his well-being.  
  
POTTER: What about the Death Eaters then? Like the Malfoys. They _owe_ him!  
  
GRANGER: What could they have done? Slip him a potion? Please. Remember, Lucius Malfoy was out of favour with Voldemort. He wouldn't have dared to do something as overt as that.  
  
POTTER: But they weren't the only Death Eaters. There _must_ have been someone else Snape was friendly with.  
  
GRANGER: Do you honestly think that there the Death Eaters were willing to risk their own lives and Voldemort's wrath to cover for him?  
  
POTTER: Well, he could have someone else Polyjuiced as him. By force, even.  
  
GRANGER: Harry, Voldemort was the _strongest_ Legilimens in the world. Would a Polyjuiced replacement be able survive his mind probes?  
  
POTTER: He could have cast Imperius on the substitute. Made them react like he would and say what he would have said.  
  
GRANGER: It wasn't just Voldemort he would have had to fool. There was Nagini, too, and she's a magical snake to boot. It would have been very difficult to dupe both of them. In fact, I'm surprised he was able to survive for so long.  
  
POTTER: That was because he was _smart_. What about the anti-venom? Why didn't he take any? Why didn't he hide potions in his robes' seams? _Why did he have to die_?  
  
GRANGER: Oh Harry...  
  
[ _GRANGER envelopes Harry in an enormous hug_.]  
  
GRANGER: He knew Nagini would have sensed the anti-venom, and that Voldemort would have found the potions. How could he have explained where the Nagini-specific anti-venom came from? Plus, you still have his memories, right?  
  
POTTER: Yes...  
  
GRANGER: Did he ever attempt to neutralise Nagini's poison?  
  
[ _POTTER pulls away from GRANGER and frowns_.]  
  
POTTER: Actually, he did. He sent all the vials to the Hospital wing. He didn't keep any on him.  
  
GRANGER: There you go — proof that he knew he couldn't have explained why he had the anti-venom on him and thereby expose his cover.  
  
POTTER: Maybe we could have—  
  
GRANGER: Harry, please don't make yourself cycle through all the possible ways Professor Snape might have survived, and have me refute them all.  
  
POTTER: Still, _why_ did he have to die?  
  
GRANGER: Oh honestly! I don't know! I didn't write the story!  
  
POTTER: Why did Rowling write him off, then!?  
  
GRANGER: So she could marry you off to Ginny and you two would have had your dream kids?  
  
[ _GRANGER rolls her eyes, POTTER follows with a weak grin_.]  
  
GRANGER: Come, let us finish what we came here to do and move Professor Snape to a more appropriate locale.  
  
POTTER: Alright.  
  
[ _Both crouch and start tidying SNAPE up_.]  
  


* * *

  
  
1.2 (In Which It Is Discovered That Things Are Not What They Seem)  
  
[ _POTTER stops what he is doing and looks up at GRANGER_.]  
  
POTTER: You know, the more I think about it, the more I realise I should have known he was always on our side.  
  
[ _GRANGER pauses as well_.]  
  
GRANGER: If you knew, you would have blown his cover. _Everyone_ worth two Knuts knew you couldn't keep Voldemort out of your head.  
  
POTTER: I shouldn't have been so oblivious, though.  
  
GRANGER: Ignorance was a blessing, Harry. That was why the Order tried so hard to keep you away from their meetings, and that was why they couldn't tell us what they were doing.  
  
POTTER: You're right, of course... We really should be getting back to our task.  
  
GRANGER: Agreed.  
  
[ _GRANGER casts the Evanesco spell, POTTER straightens SNAPE's collar_.]  
  
POTTER: Hermione? Something doesn't look right here...  
  
GRANGER: Well... Nagini _did_ bite him, remember?  
  
POTTER: But I'm not talking about his neck. Come here. Look. Doesn't the flooring seem a bit off?  
  
GRANGER: I think I see what you're talking about. _LUMOS MAXIMA!_  
  
POTTER: The wooden planks are too dark and smooth for the Shack...  
  
GRANGER: I can't see the level below us, or the other rooms in the Shack.  
  
POTTER: I'll add more light. _LUMOS MAXIMA!_  
  
GRANGER: Harry... I can't see any walls. I don't think we're _in_ the Shack anymore.  
  
POTTER: Well, we can still exit, right?  
  
[ _POTTER walks over to the door and attempts to open it_.]  
  
POTTER: Fuck!  
  
GRANGER: Language, Harry!  
  
POTTER: I can't get a grip on the doorknob! My hand keeps slipping through it, but I can still _feel_ the door.  
  
GRANGER: _Alohomora!_  
  
POTTER: Weird... Nothing happened.  
  
GRANGER: Stand back. _Reducto!_  
  
POTTER: The spell had no effect? What is going on!?!  
  
[ _GRANGER starts feeling the walls and walking along them, kind of like a mime trapped in a box_ **]  
  
[**: Here's a how-to vid on miming being trapped in a box: <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mb_y4agvt_g>]  
  
GRANGER: Hm... The dimensions of this room are the same as the dimensions of the room in the Shack.  
  
POTTER: I think I see something at the back of the room. Look at that corner — do you see ripples in the wall?  
  
GRANGER: There isn't enough light to tell what it is. Let's try casting Lumos Maxima together, on three. One, two, three—  
  
POTTER and GRANGER: _LUMOS MAXIMA!_  
  
POTTER: Bloody hell, is that what I think it is?  
  
GRANGER: It's... Heavy floor-to-ceiling curtains? With a very very high ceiling?  
  
POTTER: And look! Up there! Metal frames with dangling spotlights!  
  
GRANGER: Harry, I think we're on a stage.  
  
[ _POTTER checks SNAPE's vitals_.]  
  
POTTER: But Professor Snape is still dead.  
  
GRANGER: Hm... Except for the pool of blood growing larger, everything else about him is the same as the last time we saw him.  
  
POTTER: Why are we on a stage?  
  
GRANGER: Now that I think about it, I don't remember there being a scene in the Harry Potter novels or movies where we went to retrieve Professor Snape's body.  
  
POTTER: There was just the end of the battle followed by the Epilogue, right?  
  
GRANGER: Yes. There is only one explanation — this must be a fan work.  
  
POTTER: Wait, you mean there is someone else besides Rowling pulling our strings? I just _died_ for a bloody war; I refuse to be a lapdog again and have others telling me what to do!  
  
GRANGER: But we're only characters, we can only do what the author dictates!  
  
POTTER: I refuse to believe that! We're the choices we make, right? _ACCIO AUTHOR!!!_  
  


* * *

  
  
3.1 (In Which Potter Jumps the Shark)  
  
[ _DEM picks self up from a heap on the floor_.]  
  
DEM: Ouch, that _hurt!_ You're not very welcoming, you know? Couldn't you have cast a Cushioning Charm?  
  
POTTER: I have a _wand_. I just _killed_ Voldemort. I'm the one who will be asking the questions.  
  
DEM: That wasn't a very good threat.  
  
GRANGER: Everyone knows you didn't actually murder anyone.  
  
POTTER: Whose side are you on, Hermione?  
  
DEM: Besides, if I'm dead, you will cease to exist.  
  
GRANGER: That's true.  
  
[ _POTTER glares at both GRANGER and DEM_.]  
  
POTTER: This does not mean I can't go about things my own way and leave your muse to wither.  
  
DEM: But you can't leave! You're the main character!  
  
GRANGER: I believe that is the point.  
  
DEM: You're blackmailing my muse? I can't believe you'd do that. Please tell me Voldemort's soul is completely and utterly gone.  
  
[ _POTTER grins menacingly_.]  
  
POTTER: So, why are we in a play?  
  
[ _DEM slumps, defeated_.]  
  
DEM: This is my submission for the Reviving Severus *sighs* Fest. It is a play, so that's why you are in a play.  
  
POTTER: Revive Severus... This means Professor Snape will be alive again?  
  
DEM: Correct.  
  
POTTER: So why hasn't he been revived yet?  
  
DEM: Well, you have to do several things first. You need to  
remove all clothing from Severus' body, then completely  
 _Evanesco_ all the blood and grime from him. Followed by  
vigorous massages of his one-eyed trouser snake until  
it becomes erect. Then his willy dong will need more  
vigorous squeezing and pulling until you can make it  
erupt, squirting white strings of semen as you shout—  
  
GRANGER: "SEVERUS!!!!"?  
  
DEM: Correct! —out loud at the top of your lungs.  
  
POTTER: ...And this will bring him back?  
  
DEM: Er, nope? It _does_ spell out "revive Severus" though.  
  
[ _POTTER glares at DEM_.]  
  
POTTER: Revive him. Now.  
  
DEM: There is one teeny tiny problem, actually...  
  
POTTER: And that is?  
  
DEM: Hermione already gave reasons for why popular Revive!Severus ideas will not work for this play. I mean, I can't bring him back to life with ideas that the "cleverest witch in several generations" already punched holes through. It will ruin my reputation as a HP fanfic writer!  
  
POTTER: But you're the author! Just think of something and jot it down!  
  
DEM: Look, scroll up to Act 1 scene 1. See all those "what if"s you brought up? They are from [](http://roozetter.insanejournal.com/profile)[**roozetter**](http://roozetter.insanejournal.com/) 's Fest Sign-Up sheet. Like I said, these will not work!  
  
GRANGER: We didn't explore the possibility of Professor Snape returning as a ghost.  
  
DEM: Look, I can write him back like this: "Professor Snape lingered on as a ghost due to unresolved feelings for Harry Potter."  
  
POTTER: Hey! No way!  
  
DEM: But he still wouldn't be alive.  
  
POTTER: What about just straight-out reviving him, then? Perhaps something along the lines of, "Suddenly, Professor Snape gasped. Clutching at his neck, he sputtered alive." Or maybe just a plain "His eyes snapped open."***  
  
[***: <http://asylums.insanejournal.com/severus_sighs/181044.html#cutid1>]  
  
DEM: I still need a cause for the revival, though. Why is he alive when he was clearly dead hours ago?  
  
GRANGER: Besides, in that fic above, Professor Snape came back as a zombie. Zombies are undead, not living creature.  
  
POTTER: Hermione, you really aren't helping. Besides, the author should be able to think of a sufficient excuse.  
  
DEM: You want me to pull a miracle out of my arse? That's a cop-out! Bad writing! I can't put that on paper!  
  
GRANGER: I agree. Short of the second coming of Christ and stories set in futuristic high-tech societies, there are few instances of the human dead revivals that are actually believable.  
  
DEM: Besides, seeing how he has been dead all this time, there was no blood circulating through his body.  
  
GRANGER: Therefore no oxygen reaching any of his vital organs.  
  
DEM: Even if he is revived now, there is bound to be brain damage.  
  
GRANGER: Face it, he's dead.  
  
DEM: Gone.  
  
GRANGER: Passed from this world.  
  
DEM: Taken by Death.  
  
POTTER: Wait a minute, I am the Master of Death. Maybe I can call on Death and see if something can be arranged.  
  
DEM: Good lord, I've only read two Discworld novels. You can't expect me to write a decent characterization of Death right now?  
  
GRANGER: Even then, Harry might just be stopping Death from collecting Professor Snape's soul. Then Professor Snape's soul would be forced to roam the Earth forever, never being able to rest.  
  
DEM: So, Harry probably needs to be the Master of Life as well as the Master of Death.  
  
GRANGER: And that sounds like a job for God.  
  
POTTER: Then why don't I just summon God?  
  
DEM: What!?  
  
POTTER: I'm the Master of Death. I'm not a normal human, or even a normal wizard. I summoned you. Why can't I summon God?  
  
GRANGER: Harry, it might be best if we went back to Hogwarts and researched this first—  
  
POTTER: If it works, it works. If it doesn't it doesn't.  
  
GRANGER: But—  
  
POTTER: I've had enough with the excuses. I can do whatever I want!  
  
DEM: Uh oh...  
  
POTTER: _ACCIO GOD!_  
  


* * *

**~~~~INTERMISSION~~~~**

* * *

  
  
3.2 (In Which Potter Realises Things Just Aren't That Simple)  
  
GRANGER: Nothing's happening.  
  
POTTER: Wait. I think... I think I see people moving at the back of the stage.  
  
DEM: I'd like to officially announce that I have absolutely nothing to do with this, or with what will happen because of this.  
  
POTTER: Shush. What are those men wheeling out from behind the curtains?  
  
GRANGER: It looks like a large, tall structure...  
  
POTTER: Is that a pulley on the top of that thing?  
  
GRANGER: It might be a small crane.  
  
POTTER: There is a person hanging from the top!  
  
DEM: I'd like to take this opportunity to repeat that I have nothing to do with this.  
  
GRANGER: Harry, I think your spell worked...  
  
POTTER: Really?  
  
GRANGER: If I'm right, this is a _DEUS EX MACHINA_.****  
  
[****: Literally means "god from the machine." The machine is usually a mechanical crane or a riser.]  
  
[ _Enter GOD from the sky_.]  
  
GOD: _WHY DID YOU SUMMON ME, HARRY POTTER?_  
  
POTTER: I need you to revive Professor Snape.  
  
GRANGER: Wait, Harry—  
  
GOD: _SO MOTE IT BE!_  
  
[ _GOD disappears in a flash of light. SNAPE sputters and coughs, and lifts up his head toward POTTER_.]  
  
SNAPE: Pot—  
  
[ _SNAPE's head falls back onto stage with a loud, resounding crack_.]  
  
POTTER: Professor Snape!  
  
GRANGER: I think the Professor is dead. Again.  
  
DEM: This might be a good time to renounce my claim to the fic once more...  
  
POTTER: Merlin's scrote, he has no vitals! Why is Professor Snape dead _again?_  
  
GRANGER: Probably because his injuries were still present when he was revived?  
  
POTTER: So I should have healed his injuries first?  
  
GRANGER: That _would_ have been a good idea...  
  
POTTER: _ACCIO GOD!_  
  
GRANGER: Hey! Look! a trapdoor is opening!  
  
POTTER: Someone is standing on a rising riser...  
  
DEM: I have nothing to do with this, I have nothing to do with this, repeat ad nauseum—  
  
POTTER: Shush!  
  
GOD: _WHY DID YOU SUMMON ME AGAIN, HARRY POTTER?_  
  
POTTER: I need you to revive Professor Snape, but this time heal all of his injuries first and make sure he doesn't die again.  
  
GRANGER: _WAIT—_  
  
GOD: _SO MOTE IT BE!_  
  
[ _GOD disappears in a flash of light. SNAPE sputters and coughs_.]  
  
SNAPE: Potter, you absolute, utter _imbecile!_  
  
POTTER: Professor Snape, you're alive again!  
  
SNAPE: No thanks to you! I was happily chatting with Lily in Elysium when I was ripped from her company.  
  
POTTER: Really? You talked to mum?  
  
SNAPE: No, you idiot! It was all black and nothing happened. I was _RESTING IN PEACE_. But now Nagini's poison is coursing through my veins, destroying my body cell-by-cell and causing me pain worse than a thousand Crucios. And _I CAN'T DIE!_  
  
POTTER: ...Oops?  
  
DEM: Hermione, can you conjure a popcorn bowl and some water? Then transfigure the water into popcorn?  
  
GRANGER: Sure. Why?  
  
DEM: Because I think this play is about to get _a lot_ more interesting.  
  
GRANGER: Oh yes. Boys will be boys.  
  
[ _GRANGER rolls eyes and conjures the bowl of popcorn plus some comfy camp chairs_.]  
  
SNAPE: Potter, how many Life Debts do you owe me?  
  
POTTER: Er, a lot?  
  
SNAPE: Harry James Potter, I thereby claim all unpaid Life Debts you owe to me, Severus Tobias Snape. Your life will be the payment.  
  
POTTER: WHAT!?!  
  


* * *

  
  
4.5 (In Which the Story Ends And Everyone Lives Happily Ever After. Almost. No, Wait, They Do. Honest.)  
  
DEM: Good job on the popcorn, Hermione. You even replicated a delicious, buttery flavour.  
  
GRANGER: Thank you.  
  
DEM: You know, this might come in handy later with Hugo and Rose, when they're being picky eaters.  
  
GRANGER: Thanks! I'll keep that in mind! In the mean time, I want to hear what they're saying. Shhhh.  
  
[ _DEM nods, and munches on the popcorn more quietly_.]  
  
SNAPE: Make no mistake, Potter. Now that your life is mine, you will do _exactly_ what I say.  
  
POTTER: But, but, why me?  
  
SNAPE: Because you're the Master of Death, and you caused my current condition.  
  
POTTER: But—  
  
SNAPE: Shut up and _listen_ , Potter. First, you will assist in the rebuilding of Hogwarts and return to school to complete your NEWTs.  
  
POTTER: I was going to do that anyway.  
  
SNAPE: You will also cleanse my name of any slander, erect statues in my likeness, place my portrait in the Headmaster's Office, and ensure my inclusion in the next set of Chocolate Frog Collectible Cards as a member of the Order of Phoenix.  
  
POTTER: Of course. You _did_ die for us.  
  
SNAPE: After completing your NEWTs, you will immediately commence Auror training and become the youngest Head Auror in history.  
  
POTTER: Er, that might be a lot more difficult.  
  
SNAPE: In that case, I will gladly drum magical knowledge into your pea-pod skull and ensure that your body will be in _top physical shape_.  
  
POTTER: I... I appreciate your efforts, sir, but I don't think that will be necessary...  
  
SNAPE: Oh, you _will_ enjoy the physical training.  
  
[ _SNAPE undresses POTTER with his eyes. POTTER gulps._ ]  
  
SNAPE: Then, you will marry Ginny Weasley—  
  
POTTER: I _can_ marry her?  
  
SNAPE: —and have exactly three children. Three will be the number of children you will have, and the number of children you have will be three. Not four, not two, but _three_.*****  
  
[*****: Monty Python's Holy Grail. Watch it.]  
  
POTTER: Alright alright! I get it!  
  
SNAPE: The oldest will be a boy named James Sirius, who will look exactly like his prat of a grandfather. Then the next will be Albus Severus, who will be the spitting image of the prat's progeny. The youngest will be the only girl, Lily Luna—  
  
POTTER: Basically, follow the events of the Epilogue from Book 7 of the Harry Potter series?  
  
SNAPE: Yes. Mark my words: I am no Aberforth Dumbledore and I _refuse_ to warn for female sheep.  
  
POTTER: And what happens after the Epilogue?  
  
SNAPE: Ginny will find that she wants a life of her own, free from the shadow of The Boy Who Lived Again. After Lily leaves for Hogwarts, you will divorce. I will come to collect you and you will become my servant for the rest of your natural life where you will obey every single one of my orders.  
  
POTTER: Er, what will I be doing as your servant?  
  
SNAPE: I will take great pleasures in having you suck my cock and taking me up your arse. In short, you will do _whatever_ I want, _wherever_ I want, _whenever_ I want.  
  
[ _POTTER shivers_.]  
  
POTTER: Isn't that just a sex slave? Won't the rest of the world find something wrong with that?  
  
SNAPE: I'm sure you will think of a _sufficient excuse_. Remember, this is a Life Debt. I'm sure I will not need to remind you of your obligations.  
  
POTTER: What if I do not agree to the terms?  
  
SNAPE: Then I'll _take_ you right here, right now.  
  
POTTER: Okay! Okay! I will do what you said! I, Harry James Potter, accept the terms of payment for my Life Debts to Severus Tobias Snape. I agree to play out the events of the Epilogue before entering Severus Tobias Snape's service as his sex slave. There, happy now?  
  
SNAPE: Very. I look forward to having you _serve_ me.  
  
[ _POTTER shudders_.]  
  
DEM: Well, Harry sure's fucked now!  
  
GRANGER: Actually, he won't be fucked until Ginny divorces him.  
  
POTTER: Um, guys, what happened to Act 2?  
  
GRANGER: You jumped the shark, remember? Deus ex machina?  
  
POTTER: Oh, right...  
  
DEM: Can't have you squirm out of your Life Debt, you know.  
  
SNAPE: Potter, Granger, you have been here long enough. Leave before someone comes to look for you.  
  
GRANGER: That's a good idea, sir.  
  
SNAPE: _Finite! Fidelius!_  
  
POTTER: What was that for?  
  
GRANGER: To keep us from divulging the today's events.  
  
SNAPE: Precisely  
  
[ _SNAPE casts the Disillusionment Charm on himself and DEM, and casts a false memory charm on POTTER and GRANGER_.]  
  
POTTER: That's weird. Professor Snape is not here.  
  
GRANGER: Someone must have come and collected his body already. Let's go back.  
POTTER: Yeah. With Fred gone, Ron really needs us right now...  
  
[ _POTTER and GRANGER exit_.]  
  
DEM: You can go to Hogwarts right now and take an anti-venom potion to neutralize Nagini's poison.  
  
[ _SNAPE smirks, DEM snorts_.]  
  
DEM: Of course Harry wouldn't have thought of that. The way you made Harry swear himself to you? Brilliant. Thanks for playing with us, Severus *sighs*!  
  
SNAPE: I should leave before anyone else comes along. I believe it is time for you to leave as well.  
  
[ _SNAPE levels wand at DEM_.]  
  
DEM: Wait! Don't banish me just yet! How about a drink?  
  
[ _SNAPE raises an eyebrow_.]  
  
DEM: I think I can write in a 50-year-old bottle of port. Or Ogden's. Whatever you want. It can't be as difficult as raising the dead, right?  
  
SNAPE: Indeed. There is nothing like raising the dead. Spinner's End?  
  
DEM: Sure. Maybe the Malfoys were hiding there with some vintage bottles, and left the drinks behind when they had to make a quick exit. Yes, that will work. Say, what do you think of the newest Muggle advancements in nanotechnology?  
  
SNAPE: I believe this is a continuity error. Nanotechnology is nowhere advanced enough in 1998 to conduct the discussion you're thinking of. Personally, I'm more interested in cryogenic freezing techniques.  
  
DEM: Oh eff, continuity. One of the curses of creative writing. Speaking of cryogenic freezing — water's tendency to expand as it changes state from liquid water to ice is a major hurdle for reviving cryogenically stored human bodies. Since 70% of cells is water, this expansion inevitably ruptures and destroys cell membranes...  
  
[ _SNAPE and DEM continue to discuss various Muggle human preservation techniques while stage lights dim to black_.]  
  
THE END.


End file.
